I have been tuned in to what the virtual zeitgeist has to say lately about emotional abuse and I’m concerned that emotional abuse, and abusers in particular, are being portrayed in a way that is far too black and white. In actuality emotional abuse isn’t black and white at all, which is why it can be so difficult to spot when you are in the intense attraction phase of a relationship, and why it can be so difficult to extract yourself from once you are already entrenched in the relationship.
I know both professionally and personally about emotional abusers. Emotional abusers are foremost two things: human and hurting. While I am not condoning emotional abuse, I think demonizing emotional abusers does not bring anyone closer to understanding or healing— not the abusers nor the victims.
Emotional abusers DO NOT KNOW they are being emotionally abusive, usually. They are not like the Wizard of Oz, sitting behind a mental curtain orchestrating how they will hurt their victim. Their behavior happens as an organic reaction to feeling threatened— usually the threat is that they will lose their partner. This doesn’t mean the abuse is okay by any means, but when we paint them as contriving, manipulative masterminds, it doesn’t engender true understanding. They are people in pain, they don’t know where the hurt comes from or how long it’s been there, and they want it mirrored. And so, they create pain in others.
One key reason healthy people can feel trapped in a relationship that is emotionally abusive, is that often the abuse enters the relationship gradually and is reflexive in nature. Abusers start small. Just like we all give “trust tests” early in a relationship to determine if a potential partner is really going to be there for us, (a term coined by the modern couplehood and relationship guru John Gottman), emotional abusers give what I think of as abuse tests, to see if you are going to stick through the damage they cause. They start small and see how much you will take. They learn how much you can bear and push just over that threshold until next time, when they push a little farther. But by “reflexive” I mean that they are actually reacting to their own pain and trying to direct the pain they feel inside themselves— the distrust, anxiety, and discomfort of being intimate with someone — outward, which ends up causing them more pain. It creates for them a self fulfilling prophecy: some deep part of them feels worthless and so they attempt to make you feel worthless too, almost ensuring that intimacy will be destroyed and they will continue to feel worthless. This does not mean the victim should draw on his or her compassion and remain in the emotionally abusive relationship. I believe most people on earth are deserving of compassion and love. That doesn’t mean that they are deserving of intimate love when they cannot receive it and must hurt the person who delivers it.
An emotionally abusive relationship does not change in all the ways the victim tricks herself into thinking it will change. It does not change because her partner finally sees how much he is hurting her, it does not change because through test after test he finally begins to trust her, it does not change because she proves to him she is not like the women from his past and this time is going to be different. The primary way it changes is that one person exits, and the emotional abuser goes on to abuse another victim. The secondary way it changes is that the emotional abuser has such a string of failed relationships that he has a stroke of insight and decides that he wants to be different and he seeks help— but this is rare. It’s rare because emotional abuse often comes from people with disorganized attachment, mental health issues, addiction, or personality disorders. Insight can be slow to come to people coping with these issues.
Emotional abusers are not villains and they come from all walks of life— all socioeconomic statuses, genders, and sexual persuasions. They are humans and as humans, lovable, and that is why you might find yourself in a relationship, or even in love with, someone who is emotionally abusive. They are complex people and will have utterly adorable and worthy qualities, just like the rest of us. The worst part of being in an emotionally abusive relationship is that your intuition gets thrown out of whack and you stop trusting yourself. Through a technique called “gaslamping”, abusers can make you question if it isn’t yourself who is the abuser, or if this isn’t all some exaggerated reality you created. If, while in a relationship, you remember a time when you were more in touch with your gut feelings and your intuitive self, and that self has felt wayward as of late, it is time to step away and gain perspective. Even a weekend alone can be the beginning of a window to a healthier version of yourself.
What, specifically, does emotional abuse look like? It can look like horrible name calling but it is often far worse. Emotional abusers have an uncanny ability for taking note of our vulnerabilities, our tender places and the shame we carry. They have an excellent radar for shame because they carry so much of it themselves. So emotional abuse looks like we are being shown our own worst flaws under a giant magnifying glass. Blaming and shaming are the name of the game in emotional abuse. If the abuser is skilled at it and the victim isn’t trained to spot it, the victim will probably find himself believing and owning and being made small from the accusations. Emotional abuse is serious. People in emotionally abusive relationships are at higher risk for anxiety and depression. Emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse.
The worst thing to tell a friend seemingly stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship is that it “is not love.” Who gets to say what is and is not love? Love is completely personal. If love is abusive for someone, that is their own journey to walk and burden to carry, but it is not anyone else’s to name. If the love you find yourself in is emotionally abusive, it is important to recognize the thinking traps you may have lain for yourself. “She will change when….” (fill in the blank with “she starts to trust me/I commit to her/I take her on that trip/I marry her/I have babies with her, etc, etc). It is a hard long road to go down because chances are she will never change. The jewel in it for you, the victim, is to understand the pull of the relationship. Don’t worry too much that you were somehow duped or trapped by the abuse. It is easy and normal to feel shame about that. Understand the good qualities your relationship had or has, and how strongly they pull you. Realize that those positive things are the qualities you need to look for in the next best thing, without the abuse, because the abuse is not going to change.
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